by Anna Klein
How does your significant other dress?
- Padded gambeson, metal armour, surcoat appliqued with appropriate heraldry
- Nice jeans, clean top, a jacket if it’s cold.
- A Victorian tuxedo or gown and a cape with a red lining
- T-shirts with offensive slogans, or pond scum.
When someone upsets you, how do they react?
- Swear vengeance on your behalf, then challenges them to a duel at dawn.
- Listens, and is supportive. Lets you take the lead on how to handle it.
- Their eyes go red briefly. The person that upset you is found mysteriously exsanguinated the next morning.
- Says it was probably your fault and then goes back to talking about themselves
What’s his face like?
- Rugged, strong, grown hardy by lack of modern comforts.
- Hair and/or facial hair is tidy, a little light moisturiser
- Pale, paler than you could have imagined, untouched by the rays of the sun for centuries,
- Green, scaly, a little moist.
Which description is most like your dates?
- Riding on horseback to a jousting tournament followed by a spectacular feast of eight courses, complete with mead, merry musicians and a roaring fire.
- A romantic dinner, a movie and then drinks with mutual friends.
- You are shown the magic of the night
- Whatever they feel like doing, really, such as catching flies with their tongue and croaking with their friends.
What is home?
- A castle. It’s a little draughty, but with pleasant roaring fires, paintings and a vibrant household.
- A modern apartment or home, cosy, handy to public transport and with a nice yard for summer parties.
- A castle. It’s very draughty. And dark. Lots of bats. Does anyone even live here?
- A pond. It’s your job to clean it.
How do you get on with the family?
- You haven’t met many of them. Father died in battle, siblings have been married off abroad and Mother spends all her time making tapestries of battles they have won.
- They make an effort to include you and are supportive of the relationship.
- The statues in the family mausoleum are impressive but not very good conversationalists
- They haven’t bothered to introduce you.
Time to tally the results!
Mostly 1 – Your lover is a knight! Handy with a sword, and always up for rescuing you, your lover may be a little stuck in the past and often away on questing business.
Mostly B – Your lover is a regular, modern day human being, and a knight-on-the-inside. The best of both worlds!
Mostly C – Your lover is a vampire! Which is pretty cool too. Time to invest in fun scarves, and who knows, maybe they used to be a knight in days past?
Mostly D – Your lover is a toad! Whether a literal green amphibian or just a jerk, you’ve probably spent enough time kissing them and waiting for royalty to show up. Time to go.
All’s Faire in love and war…
Connie leads a double life. During the week, she is an up-and-coming designer and dressmaker, creating sleek, elegant gowns for the wealthy elite. But come the weekend, Connie becomes Lady Constance, a member of the House Felicitous at the local Renaissance Faire, creating beautiful historical garments for herself and her friends and teaching dancing to fair attendees. Fearing loss of business should her stylish clientèle discover her extracurricular activities, Connie keeps her professional life and her faire life carefully separate. However, everything changes when she’s saved from certain death by Sir Justin: a rising star in the joust and an actual knight in shining armour.
Behind his mask as Sir Justin, Dominic is confident and charismatic, but out of his armour, his courage fails him, and to his own horror he finds himself accidentally pretending to be his own best friend. Suddenly, he is in Connie’s life as two different men: the elusive Sir Justin who courts her over the internet and from behind a suit of armour and Justin’s ‘best friend’ Dominic who hangs out at her apartment and helps her move. The lie only grows bigger and Sir Justin finds himself faced with the most frightening challenge he can imagine: extricating himself from his lie and winning Connie’s heart as his true self.
But there’s something rotten afoot at the Faire, something that threatens its future, the community that has grown there, and even Sir Justin’s life. Will Lady Constance find the courage to step up and risk everything to defend her friends, save the Faire, and rescue her knight?
The Modern Woman’s Guide to Finding a Knight is available now.